Fears, all people have them; whether they accept them or hide them. I’m scared of the usual things: spiders, heights, falling. The title of this post was from a blog prompt (link at bottom of this post) and it may seem a little detached from fears. Yes, being in fear causes panic but I mean true panic. The prompt for this really resonates with me as I often have panic attacks, the things that I’m addressing are fears I’m trying to get over. This may seem boring (which I’m sure it is for anyone reading) but I have never spoke to anyone about these fears before. I’m really only writing to the tumbleweed in my view list so there Isn’t anyone to bore. Anyways, onto the list:
It’s juvenile, but I am terrified of the dark. It’s not so much as darkness but more of the unknown. I strongly believe in spirits and ghosts; my friends and I have seen to many to pretend that they don’t exist. When I’m in the dark, I can’t see what’s hiding and that terrifies me to my very soul. I’m writing this post relatively late and there is a hallway leading off of my bedroom, I can happily say that I do not appreciate the hallway. If I’m with other people it’s fine, because I have people around me to keep me safe. Otherwise, terrified.
Embarrassment; this one makes me seem like a total loser but every time I get embarrassed, I freak out. Maybe it’s the thought of people judging me; I’ve never really known. But sure enough, whenever a situation arises where I am posed to look dumb, uneducated or weak; I collapse internally. Usually I just hide my face and try to breathe but I have cried a few times. Onto the next…
An incredibly serious topic: death and existentialism. Whenever someone used to say the word “death” or “dead” I would begin to hyperventilate. It’s gotten better but the other day in self defense we were learning about respect and not harming people. The instructor began asking if any of our pets had been put down. Saying that when we left them was the last moment that we would ever see them and so on. He was talking for about 10 minutes and the whole time I couldn’t breathe. My throat was dry, tears were burning my eyes and I was shaking. I must have looked strange because my friend kept asking me if I was ok. I stood up, made a joke, threw back my head and laughed; like usual. That was the worst 10 minutes of my life.
The future: I always tell people that I want to be an architect. The truth is that I want to be an actress, an author, a youtuber (yes, that is my dream) and so much more. I have my whole future planned but what I want is impossible to achieve. My dream isn’t going to get me a house and allow me to sustain a family. I’m a maladaptive daydreamer, so I often get lost in my thoughts and often image what the future will be. When I realise that it wont happen I break down.
That’s it for that. I realized that this will make me seem strange but that’s ok. Anyway, I would just like to quickly talk about something that has been irking me lately. Whenever I begin to have a panic attack, I usually listen to music or distract my thought process by going on Pinterest. Whenever I pull out my phone, I am immediately labelled as “antisocial”. It is a word that is too commonly used. People just say “antisocial” because it is what you’re supposed to say…right? Wrong. Some people just get genuinely bored or are uncomfortable with a situation. Getting out your phone is the same as turning away from a situation, except when people turn away they aren’t called “antisocial”. Try to engage the “antisocial” person in conversation, if they still hint that they don’t want to talk: leave them alone. It’s that simple.
This post has been a bit too serious for my liking and I promise that the next posts will be more light-hearted. The prompt just really got me thinking. If anyone reading suffers anxiety or is is just intrigued by the topic, please feel free to leave a comment. If you didn’t like the post; please leave a comment on how i could improve in the future. I appreciate constructive criticism.